Beyond The Mirror

I'm not doing so well on the Quidditch team. Perhaps I'm not cut out for this type of sport. I keep getting hit in the face and torso with balls even though I do my best to bat them away. Madam Hooch says that it will come with time, especially since this is my first time flying, having been raised as a muggle.

I also lost my duel. The best part is receiving a beautiful pair of socks, but the worst is being unable to move on to the next phase. I was able to complete a lovely hat for SPEW, though. The pattern wasn't very hard, so I've already started a second hat.

I think I've been suffering more than simple homesickness. I feel like Alice behind the looking glass. There's so much magic all around me. It's wonderful and terrifying, and just too too much for me right now.

I miss normal. I want to be able to eat candy without having to worry about it jumping away from me or tasting like grass. I want to sweep with the broom, not ride it. I want to be able to go to the bathroom without having to worry about being interrupted by a ghost.

I miss my friends. I want to go to the mall, ride my bike, watch movies in a theater, drink Slushies, walk the dog, and even go to school like a regular kid.

The thing is, I don't want to go back to my previous life either. I like going to see the stars at midnight. It's so cool to change a rat to a chalice and back again. I love being able to eat as much of my favorite foods as I want without having to make it myself. I adore watching all the magical creatures that Hagrid cares for.

I'm so betwixt and between these worlds. Most of the kids here were raised with at least one magical parent, most by two and their extended magical families. For the most part they're friendly, smart, clever, and just wonderful people. I just feel like we don't have a lot of common ground. Things that I take for granted are wondered and puzzled over by them.

Here's an example: writing with ballpoints on looseleaf? Yeah, they're stumped and amazed by that. Their reactions to simple things like that make me feel so sad and homesick.

Most of all, I wish my parents were the way they were before. It would have been better if all of my family really were muggles instead of magic folk. It's like the very foundations of my life have been ripped away and I'm not sure what I can rely on or where I fit in.

I know that I'm "magic folk" now, I guess I always have been, but I feel like a misplaced muggle. Each time I do magic I'm surprised. The funny thing is that I'm good at it. I'm getting top marks in my Transfiguration and Charms classes, and doing quite well in the others too.

The only thing I can compare what I feel when I perform magic successfully to is if I had suddenly belched quite loudly in a silent class full of people. That sense of startled eruption followed by a sinking feeling of embarrassment. I feel like that when I've cast a spell perfectly! How weird is that? You'd think I'd only feel like that if I'd screwed it up.

Here's more odd for you. The person I've been confiding in the most is the House Elf, Belinda. She's so much wiser than everyone knows. She listens to me for the longest time while she works. We'll sit and knit together for hours. Here I am, talking to a non-human creature about how overwhelmed, overstimulated, and homesick I am. I'm not sure why or how she understands, but I get the distinct feeling that she knows exactlyhow I feel.

I think I'm going to get my knitting together and go talk with Belinda right now.